December 27th 2011 Posted at Uncategorized
It wouldn’t be Christmas without chocolate, though, let’s be frank. It wouldn’t be daylight without chocolate in some households, including my own. And it sure wouldn’t be evening without chocolate, because there’s no sense in the sun setting without a piece of chocolate on hand to sweeten the coming night.
But too much of a good thing almost always turns into a bad thing, and so it was that once I set off to learn how to make chocolate, I discovered I was popping it into my mouth like a newborn seeking the nearest nipple. Ten minutes without it and I started to wail. And, like a newborn, I began to grow exponentially until in less than a year I soared from an emaciated size sub-zero to a healthy size ten which pretty much feels like being trapped in someone else’s body. Which would be perfectly fine with me if this someone else had come complete with her own wardrobe, and not just presumed that I would take her out to buy a new one. Read More…
October 10th 2011 Posted at Uncategorized
The other day I was in a restaurant-styled home kitchen complete with stainless steel counters, sinks bigger than bathtubs and stockpots the size of water towers. But it was so disorganized and cluttered that when I tried to find a spoon I had to admit defeat and use my fingers. In contrast, just the week before I was in a kitchen no bigger than my bed and it was so organized that I could have found Amelia Earhart had it occurred to me to look.
I’ll admit that when it comes to kitchens, I’m probably not your friend. I am the last person you want to have in your kitchen because I am bound to either scream at you for what you’ve done to it or plot a way to steal it from you and make it all my own. Women need not fear me sneaking into their bedrooms when they’re out of town, but if they have a good kitchen, watch out. I’ll do whatever it takes to have it all to myself even if it means assuming their identity and simply moving in. Read More…
September 9th 2011 Posted at Uncategorized
My mother died when I was eight-and-a-half-months pregnant. Her last words to me were, “I just want to be left alone.” Mom always was a drama queen, and Greta Garbo had nothing on her when it came to comedic timing. If she’d had her way, my mother’s gravestone would have been engraved, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Two weeks after my mother’s death, my daughter was born, and I set my grief aside to marvel at the new life I was suddenly in charge of safeguarding and directing, confident I’d be a perfect parent while completely befuddled by the complexity of diaper changing and figuring out how to secure an infant car seat without resorting to wedging it between a couple of bags of groceries and tying the baby in place with a bungee cord so she wouldn’t flop onto the floor every time I hit the brakes. Read More…
August 31st 2011 Posted at Uncategorized
Making chocolate in the summertime ranks right up there with driving a convertible in winter, eating sushi in Nebraska and wearing white after Labor Day. It’s just not done. For one thing, summertime gets hot, and tempering chocolate properly can prove to be more frustrating than doing needlepoint while driving. For another, once the chocolate’s done and set aside, it gets dangerous. If a single ray of sunshine hits it you may find yourself with butter-soft chocolate that only appears to be three dimensional. Once you pick it up, you will swear you’ve stumbled into the Harry Potter Zone, where nothing is as it seems and those gorgeous chocolates transform into a slithering mess of chocolate goo the moment you touch them. And finally, it’s too damn nice to stay in the kitchen and melt chocolate when you can buy a fudge sickle for a buck and suckle it on the beach while contemplating seaweed. Chocolate making, I’ve concluded, is like suicide; it makes more sense on a crappy day. And even then it’s crazy if you do it. Read More…
August 3rd 2011 Posted at Uncategorized
Dear Readers: I’m up to my neck in writing right now, and will have a fresh new chocolate post out in a day or two. In the meantime, here’s one of my favorites brought to you once more.
Even skinny people get fat. This bewildering fact is slowly getting through to me. After years of being so bone thin I had to shop for jeans in the toy department, I knew my chocolate consumption was out of hand when my daughter referred to my new size 10 jeans as “plus size.” It’s true I’ve put on weight eating all this chocolate. But it is also true that according to the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company, I am one pound over the “ideal weight” for my height. Yes, that’s right. One pound. And I’m sure that pound is pure muscle. Read More…
July 19th 2011 Posted at Uncategorized
Lauren Adler, owner of Chocolopolis and Christopher Elbow
The following post was published in Foodista, the online cooking encyclopedia July 17, 2011
As readers of my previous posts on chocolate may know, my favorite all time chocolate maker is Christopher Elbow, whose chocolates are so stunning they could accessorize a Chanel suit. (And taste so good I’ve already decided that if I should ever find myself on death row, my last meal will be five pounds of his assorted chocolates.) So you can imagine how thrilled I was to hear that he’d left his Kansas kitchen and was in Seattle last Saturday to help celebrate the third anniversary of Chocolopolis, the designer chocolate shop that also ranks high on my grooviest things in this world list
(largely because they stock Elbow chocolates). Read More…
July 1st 2011 Posted at Uncategorized
Note to Readers: I wrote the following post for another website but it looks like it will be sitting in the que for awhile, so I thought I’d spring it on you instead. It has nothing to do with chocolate, but if you eat it with a truffle, you might not know the difference.
When I down-sized from a four bedroom house to a one-bedroom, two-bath apartment (I know, what were they thinking, but I have a teenage girl and she thinks it’s her room) I had to make some sacrifices. Which in my case meant going from three sofas to two, relinquishing the movie room for a movie wall, the six hundred square foot home office with fireplace for a twenty square foot corner of the dining room with a scented candle, and the two-car garage for parallel parking three blocks away. After donating twenty-eight boxes of books to a library in Africa and half my eBay china to underprivileged newlyweds in Tukwila, I was finally finding my inner Feng Shui which is to say, I keep a third eye on the closest exit and leave my fate to the state of some Lucky Bamboo, bought on sale at Safeway. Read More…
June 25th 2011 Posted at Uncategorized
I’m back. There’s a reason you haven’t heard from me lately, and it’s all because of chocolate. I don’t know what I was thinking when I named this blog The Chocolate Covered Kitchen. Starting a blog about making chocolate means having something to say about making chocolate which means making a habit of making chocolate, which, as I’ve mentioned in One Less Skinny Bitch, turns out to be a fattening habit, what with all those anti-oxidants attacking all my oxidants. I would have been much better off naming the blog The Dust Covered Apartment and then I could have written about things like decorating with gym equipment and how to make the most of a bad carpet day. Read More…