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I Hate Homework

As you may have noticed, I haven’t been in the kitchen much lately (except to make the requisite three meals a day).  I’ve been up to my neck in ghostwriting and avoiding the calorie overload that comes of filling the house with chocolate (and by the way, have any of you noticed that the price of chocolate has skyrocketed?  I’m thinking of taking up vegetable cookery instead).  At any rate, I thought I’d share this little piece I did for Huffington Post to keep you entertained until I return to the Chocolate Covered Kitchen.  Here goes:

When it came time for my daughter to start Kindergarten, it suddenly hit me.  I would have to get her to school each morning.  On time.  For thirteen years.  The thought had never occurred to me, and had it crossed my mind six years prior, she would probably not exist.

“Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it after the first year,” a friend assured me.  A year?  I couldn’t imagine.  But somehow, she was right; by the time first grade rolled around I was a pro at manipulating all that six year old energy into a focused direction – clothes on, healthy breakfast efficiently consumed, hair unsnarled, combed and tied into a perky ponytail, shoes velcroed (thank God for that technological innovation), and my own frazzled flesh washed, painted, dressed and ready to go. Read More…

Three Chairs to Rattle My Walls

Three Chairs by Bob Dylan

 

When my daughter asked me for a new pair of shoes I had to tell her the truth.  “We can’t afford shoes until I get a job or Bob Dylan dies, whichever comes first.”  She wailed about the injustice of it all and went away, as teenagers tend to do when parents are around.  But I hoped that Dylan wouldn’t die because I’m waiting for a new album and I rather like just knowing he’s out there, to keep Maureen Dowd in line.

A new pair of shoes, I figured, was a reasonable request.  After all, neither of us have had a new pair of shoes since the Bush administration, and what with her uncontrolled growth that started at birth and my throbbing bunion that started at mid-life, we both hobble around wincing like nineteenth century Chinese dowagers wearing shoes the size of thimbles.  But unless I can tear the ruby slippers off some dead witch I happen upon, I just don’t think shoes are something I should trade money for because, after all, feet walk by themselves. Read More…

A Gift of Chocolate

It wouldn’t be Christmas without chocolate, though, let’s be frank.  It wouldn’t be daylight without chocolate in some households, including my own. And it sure wouldn’t be evening without chocolate, because there’s no sense in the sun setting without a piece of chocolate on hand to sweeten the coming night.

But too much of a good thing almost always turns into a bad thing, and so it was that once I set off to learn how to make chocolate, I discovered I was popping it into my mouth like a newborn seeking the nearest nipple.  Ten minutes without it and I started to wail.  And, like a newborn, I began to grow exponentially until in less than a year I soared from an emaciated size sub-zero to a healthy size ten which pretty much feels like being trapped in someone else’s body.  Which would be perfectly fine with me if this someone else had come complete with her own wardrobe, and not just presumed that I would take her out to buy a new one. Read More…

A Mom Who Bakes Cookies

 

“I wish you were the kind of mommy who baked cookies,” my little girl said to me one day, a few years back, while I was taking dinner out of the microwave.

“Well I’m not that kind of mommy,” I retorted, “and you’re stuck with me.”  I peeled back the plastic wrap and gave the frozen mashed potatoes a stir, then gave it three and a half more minutes of radiation while I sliced an orange to garnish her plate.  How many moms did that? I wondered while recalling my own childhood so long ago, coming home from school to find my mother had baked a dozen cookies, sewn a wardrobe for my Barbie dolls and another dress for me while forming the ketchup-covered meatloaf into the shape of a severed limb.  Read More…

Kitchens

A very small kitchen

The other day I was in a restaurant-styled home kitchen complete with stainless steel counters, sinks bigger than bathtubs and stockpots the size of water towers.  But it was so disorganized and cluttered that when I tried to find a spoon I had to admit defeat and use my fingers.  In contrast, just the week before I was in a kitchen no bigger than my bed and it was so organized that I could have found Amelia Earhart had it occurred to me to look.

I’ll admit that when it comes to kitchens, I’m probably not your friend.  I am the last person you want to have in your kitchen because I am bound to either scream at you for what you’ve done to it or plot a way to steal it from you and make it all my own.  Women need not fear me sneaking into their bedrooms when they’re out of town, but if they have a good kitchen, watch out.  I’ll do whatever it takes to have it all to myself even if it means assuming their identity and simply moving in. Read More…

Daughter Dearest

Mommie Dearest hanger

My mother died when I was eight-and-a-half-months pregnant.  Her last words to me were, “I just want to be left alone.” Mom always was a drama queen, and Greta Garbo had nothing on her when it came to comedic timing.  If she’d had her way, my mother’s gravestone would have been engraved, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

Two weeks after my mother’s death, my daughter was born, and I set my grief aside to marvel at the new life I was suddenly in charge of safeguarding and directing, confident I’d be a perfect parent while completely befuddled by the complexity of diaper changing and figuring out how to secure an infant car seat without resorting to wedging it between a couple of bags of groceries and tying the baby in place with a bungee cord so she wouldn’t flop onto the floor every time I hit the brakes.  Read More…

Lessons Learned

tempering with marble

 

Making chocolate in the summertime ranks right up there with driving a convertible in winter, eating sushi in Nebraska and wearing white after Labor Day.  It’s just not done.  For one thing, summertime gets hot, and tempering chocolate properly can prove to be more frustrating than doing needlepoint while driving.  For another, once the chocolate’s done and set aside, it gets dangerous.  If a single ray of sunshine hits it you may find yourself with butter-soft chocolate that only appears to be three dimensional.  Once you pick it up, you will swear you’ve stumbled into the Harry Potter Zone, where nothing is as it seems and those gorgeous chocolates transform into a slithering mess of chocolate goo the moment you touch them.  And finally, it’s too damn nice to stay in the kitchen and melt chocolate when you can buy a fudge sickle for a buck and suckle it on the beach while contemplating seaweed.  Chocolate making, I’ve concluded, is like suicide; it makes more sense on a crappy day. And even then it’s crazy if you do it. Read More…

One Less Skinny Bitch

In Botero's World
Dear Readers: I’m up to my neck in writing right now, and will have a fresh new chocolate post out in a day or two.  In the meantime, here’s one of my favorites brought to you once more.

Even skinny people get fat.  This bewildering fact is slowly getting through to me.  After years of being so bone thin I had to shop for jeans in the toy department, I knew my chocolate consumption was out of hand when my daughter referred to my new size 10 jeans as “plus size.”  It’s true I’ve put on weight eating all this chocolate.  But it is also true that according to the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company, I am one pound over the “ideal weight” for my height.  Yes, that’s right.  One pound.  And I’m sure that pound is pure muscle. Read More…

Chocolate Secrets from Christopher Elbow

Lauren Adler, owner of Chocolopolis and Christopher Elbow

Lauren Adler, owner of Chocolopolis and Christopher Elbow

The following post was published in Foodista, the online cooking encyclopedia July 17, 2011

As readers of my previous posts on chocolate may know, my favorite all time chocolate maker is Christopher Elbow, whose chocolates are so stunning they could accessorize a Chanel suit.  (And taste so good I’ve already decided that if I should ever find myself on death row, my last meal will be five pounds of his assorted chocolates.)  So you can imagine how thrilled I was to hear that he’d left his Kansas kitchen and was in Seattle last Saturday to help celebrate the third anniversary of Chocolopolis, the designer chocolate shop that also ranks high on my grooviest things in this world list
(largely because they stock Elbow chocolates). Read More…

How To Hide a Gazelle

Dollarstore Gazelle

“Our Gazelle has left Utah,” I said to my daughter, Mira, just as we sat down to watch an episode of sex and violence.  She gave me a blank look and said, deadpan, “Next time a telemarketer calls, say that.  They won’t call back.”  Then she turned back to catch a commercial for incontinence medication while pondering how soon before she’d have to take away the car keys.

It seems I’d gotten it into my head to add a gymnasium to our one bedroom, one porch apartment.  With two sofas, five fat chairs, a dining table, three desks, two hutches, three and a half dressers and two beds already expertly arranged like valet-parked cars in a corner lot near a ballgame, adding a gym was a challenge.  Read More…